Musings on Parenting the young Adult Generation in my fifties

The next blurred phase of our adult lives 

Some life events are definitive markers of having reached a new stage of life and oddly it is not necessarily physical.

The real kicker for me is, it’s not a subtle scene shift whereby you gently merge into the next phase. It’s more likely a dramatic block shift, bringing with it a new set of rules, and complications, that you never factored in for this decade in your life.

The obvious one is death of a parent or, as with many of my friends, both parents. You are now the older generation, in your family, whether you are ready to assume this post or not.

The other is, of course, watershed moments in the lives of our adult children. Some of these events are delightful and exciting, like a child getting married, or landing an amazing job.

Unprepared for this parenting challenge

Some of these moments  are more complex. The big one seems to be when our children have completed their education, and are overwhelmed by what they are supposed to do next.

The world beyond student life is scary

Sometimes our children may feel the need to leave the country, believing there is no future here.

Others are facing the reality that finding employment is not so easy. Often, all they can find is non- paying, or low paying internships and their morale hits a low with surprising speed.  For us, this means they are often not ready, or able to leave the parental home.

 Dependant Teens to dependant young adults

As parents, we find ourselves in a unique and vulnerable position. Our offspring expect answers and guidance, coupled with non- interference. They may be resentful that they are forced to be dependent.

Parenting books never prepared us for this

Parents often feel ill equipped to meet their expectations, or deal with their fears and insecurities. Some of my friends even feel resentful, pulling the, “Well I had bought a house and was a parent at their age,” argument.

Every parent generation has its challenges

I’m not sure this feeling is any different to what our parents experienced, or the generations that preceded them, for that matter.

I don’t prescribe to the notion that any one generation’s methods of child rearing, and supervising their offspring’s subsequent progression to adulthood, is superior to any other.

The arrogance of each generation perpetuated the difficulties

Each generation criticised how they were raised, and vowed to do it better. Every older generation feels they did a better job and are quick to point out the failure of modern parents. I think this will always be the case, that’s how we, as humans, are wired.

Unrealistic expectations root cause of our problems

I believe every generation has its unique challenges, and the right thing to do is at best a nebulous concept, made more problematic by the expectations we place on ourselves, and our children.

Generational intolerance doesn’t help

My generation grew up in an age of letter writing, but were part of the dawning of interconnected communication. It has proved to be a continually morphing creature, and our children don’t believe we really understand or appreciate it.

Our children, were born into the deluge of interconnectedness. No matter how we feel, this is their reality, and it’s also often the root of their biggest challenges. Our challenge is not to be too quick to assume that it’s all bad, or all good.

So how does this impact our efficacy as parents of this amazing generation who need us in a practical sense, beyond what we thought.

Our natural order is not their natural order

From our experience, you were schooled, studied, (or worked), left home, got married and had a family.

We assumed the natural progression was our children would grow and leave home and perpetuate the cycle. We have all dreaded the leaving moment, but it was the logical order of things.

We braced ourselves, but for many of us it hasn’t happened. Or when it has happened, it’s been a dramatic move overseas.

And for many of us, children have left only to return to the parental home because they simply cannot survive out there, on the little they are earning.

As parents, we were not prepared for this. It’s presented us with a whole set of new challenges.

Parenting ‘Creatives’ a topic for another day

I haven’t even touched on parenting a ‘creative’. Delightful as they are, they often have specific parenting challenges and draw a whole lot of unwelcome opinions on your parenting style from older, (and my own generation).

As a mother of three ‘creatives’, I can tell you this deserves its own blog post and I will visit the topic again.

My thoughts on coping with this phase

As a fifty- something mother, of three millennials, I can only give you some of my personal input on how we manage this part of our parenting journey. Of course, for you it may be different.

• Accept that as hard as it is for us, that they may still be dependent, it is equally challenging for them. Tolerance goes along way to keeping harmony in the home.
• As we hate unsolicited advice, so do they. Try not to do it, even if it’s challenging.
• Even though you may be paying most of the bills, accept that you are a house full of adults. Treat them as such, respect earns respect. Negotiate boundaries.
• Watch out for the moments they want to share their lives with you. As much as we accuse them of always being on their phones, and computers, we are no better.
• Accept that their reality is different to ours. No matter how it looks they don’t have it easier than us. Familiarise yourself with their world and keep growing yours.
• Have adult expectations of them. They are capable of managing their own laundry, and contributing to preparing meals.
• Let them have their own adult life. Look to your own friends for support and find healthy ways to deal with your stress and frustration.
• Keep communication open, low morale and depression are real dangers to them.
• Don’t let the opinions or thought of others worry you. This is about you and your unique relationship with you child. So what if they stay home until they are thirty.
• Remember this phase of life feels extended at the moment, but it will change. Enjoy still having your millennials  home, if they are. This can be a lot of fun, if you allow it to be.

Those are my thoughts, let me know yours.