Death of my Mother:

Grieving: A challenge on this Journey:

Ten months ago my mother died. I lost a piece of myself and my world changed forever. Journeying through grief in my fifties has come with some lessons.

My healthy, feisty, opinionated, intelligent and talented mother had a serious heart attack She survived for nine precious weeks and then she had another, and died.

I suspect my mother knew she was nearing the end of her life, as she used this time to gather us close and prepared us to fill the large gap her dying would leave. I treasure that time now.

She assured us she was no longer afraid of death after her heart attack. Yet when it happened, it devastated us.

Lessons from Grief:

• Grief is a strange beast, it ebbs and surges. What we suspect will trigger our grief often doesn’t. Yet a scent or a sound can hurtle us right into the midst of it.
• Losing a parent in your fifties is not that unusual. What is harder for us is the assumption that losing an older parent is not as traumatic as losing a young parent. We experience the same range of emotions, maybe with less anger and more gratitude.
• We all process grief in our own personal and unique way.
• There is no time frame. Part of me will always grieve, but I hope to learn to live more comfortably with the pain.
• There is no curative formula for grief.
• Its normal to experience a whole range of emotions including sadness, guilt, regret, anger, disbelief and maybe even relief. We don’t progress through these emotions in a linear fashion they swirl around and catch us unexpectedly.
• Grief is exhausting, physically and emotionally.

Coping with Grief:

• Allow people to support you. Especially those who have been through it. It normalises your experience.
• If you are the oldest sibling, accept that your siblings journey through grief is unique to them.
• Your surviving parent has a different loss to process in my Father’s case his life mate of fifty- three years. Respect and support their grief journey .
• Try not to suppress grief, it can lead to much more serious mental health issues
• Memories can be painful, but they are your link to your parent. Share your thoughts and memories they are a treasure trove.
• Don’t allow others to dictate how quickly you move through the grieving
• Treat yourself with kindness; rest, exercise and eat well.
• Learn to recognise when your grief is threatening your mental well- being and ask for help.
• Create a tribute to their memory. Some special way you wish to honour their life. As her daughters we have chosen to donate an olive tree . A living tribute to person she was and all she believed in. Also a symbol of our Mom/daughters holiday in Italy. My father sponsored
  a light on the “Hospice tree of Memories’. She worked at East Rand Hospice for many years
• Gradually life as you knew it reasserts itself and this can be tricky too. You find yourself laughing or enjoying life and guilt quickly follows. Tears and laughter are closely linked, embrace both.

Personally, I’m terrified I’ll forget her voice. Then, in my mind, “Oh, don’t be ridiculous Bren. I’m your Mother. Why would you forget me?”